to hold on + to let go, to know the difference and timing of both.

the sketch book DOES in fact exist ;)

I told my therapist yesterday that, “I want to give myself permission to live in between the ebbs and flows of transitioning into motherhood. I want to be okay with not knowing what I don’t know what I don’t know… (what I don’t know). But i don’t want to lose myself in it either. I don’t want to forget who Joelle is. What she’s worked for in this past year and a half.” 

And honestly, whether it’s motherhood or not. I would still feel that same fear and longing.

The fear of losing myself, yet the longing to be okay with surrender. With a lack of control. With going into the future with open hands.

I know my might. I know my strength. I know I can make things happen for myself. But the truth is, that might will only get me so far. That might of yours? It runs out.

Because we are beautifully human. And what a release. What a breath of fresh air to know I don’t have to do it all.

You don’t have to do it all. 

That sometimes there is such an effort that is needed for us to move things forward, and sometimes we get to ride into the future on a wave of doing nothing.

But I’m learning that two realities can exist at once.

I’m terrified and I’m relieved.

I’m powerful and I have no power at all.

I’m doubting and I’m trusting.

But I’m here and I’m trying.

And if you feel this same push and pull, I want you to know that you’re not alone.

That you can feel really big and really small. They don’t count the other out.

We can feel that together.

It’s not a control issue. It’s a fear one. 

And so I go back to that little girl inside me and say,

“You aren’t your sole protector anymore. It’s okay to trust, again. Things will happen - good and bad. Breathe. I’ll be here when we misstep. You don’t need to protect yourself with such vigilance, anymore.” 

If that’s you, too, then this is for you... too. 

FULL PROSE:

i’m trying to find the fine line between

making a way into the future of my dreams,

and knowing there are things simply outside of my sovereignty + power.

to hold on.

and

to let go.

to know the difference and timing of both.

to have humility enough to let go,

and courage enough to hold on.

my teeth are gritted because the longing is there. it’s real.

this dreamt up future isn’t in vain anymore,

it’s no longer my escape from my present.

it’s designed with my dna, my god-dreams.

and so i push and i pull.

i act. and i wait.

i pray.

i misstep. i overstep.

i cry. i ask. i beg.

i trust.

and this trust is molding me for the better.

it’s carving out the details of who i’m meant to be.

maybe trust isn’t passive anymore.

maybe it’s just the key i keep overlooking.